I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
