So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
