I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
