We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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