I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
