I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
