Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
