woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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