we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
