The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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