and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
