she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
