She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
