i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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