i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
