Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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