If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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