Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
