You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
