this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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