Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
