i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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