even my farts smell like vagina
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
