I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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