I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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