So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
