I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
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A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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