So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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