I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
