I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
