You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
