I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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