the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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