Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
