woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she peed on how many people?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
