You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
