Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
