i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My liver just had a heart attack.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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