if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
