What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
