just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
