Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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