girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
