Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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