You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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