it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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