You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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