just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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