if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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