oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
