i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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