So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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