I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
