Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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