Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
