I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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